Bottom

What, wait, you don’t know what Bottom is??! Where have you been, living in a cave?!

Bottom is a fantastically funny BBC sitcom that was on the TV in the 90s. Starring Ade Edmondson and Rik Mayall as two housemates sharing a flat in the wonderful area of London that is Hammersmith.

Eddie and Richie are two crude, perverted lunatics, with no jobs, very little money and only a filthy flat in Hammersmith (located at “11, Mafeking Parade”) to their name. The two spend their time coming up with desperate schemes to acquire sex, attacking each other violently, and getting into dodgy situations.

Bottom is considered the most violent example of britcom, examples of violence include teeth being knocked out, heads crushed in fridge doors, fingers being cut off, penises set on fire, legs being chainsawed off, forks shoved in eyes, pencils forced up noses, poison being drunk, legs broken and faces shoved in campfires.

Richie is a clumsy, pompous dimwit who attempts to make himself out as being much higher in social status than he actually is, and is both deranged and desperate, as well as being obsessed with sex. Eddie, a cheerfully violent drunkard, meanwhile spends his time getting drunk and wasting the dole money and secretly steals Richie’s family heirloom, although he occasionally has moments of demented genius. Eddie’s friends—the gormless Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog—both fear Richie, thinking he’s psychotic. Although the pair sometimes venture out (the most common location being the local pub, the Lamb and Flag), many of the episodes are set simply within the confines of the pair’s squalid flat.

The slapstick humour is a particular forte with Rik and Ade, bringing their experience from The Young Ones and the Dangerous Brothers forward expertly.

There were three series aired on television and they took the show on numerous tours around the country, I believe there were five.

This show is a must for any comedy enthusiast. The humour is somewhat 90s but still laugh out loud quality.

Watch it!

Bottom

There ain’t enough hours in the day…

Do you ever get that feeling in the morning when you’ve just woken up, look at the clock and go, ‘what the hell just happened?  It’s Thursday already?’

Days merge.  Hours disappear.  Minutes just don’t exist.

Before you say it, yes I know I obviously can’t plan my time properly.  But hey, I got two kids and a wife.  Give me a break!

It’s very difficult to plan each and every minute of the day when you have children.  When you think they are in their room playing nicely, giving you a minute’s breather, as soon as your cheeks hit that chair, ‘Daddy, can I sit with you?’

What the…

I swear all ninja’s in the world are really children.  Their stealth abilities are second to none.

Anyway, I don’t seem to be able to pace out my day.  I have so much to do in the evenings, yet never seem to be able to do anything.  Take this blog for instance, the randomness of my posting befits my lack of time.  If you can keep a secret, most of the time when I write to here I’m at work.  Yes I know, technically I’m not allowed and I will get found out one day, but it’s the only time I get to talk to you lot!

Now I have also taken on some extra work for others which I need to do at home when I can.  Which I can’t.  There’s not enough time.

I wish I could afford a child minder or nanny or something.  Or that I didn’t have to work.  That would be the best.  No work.

There Is Not Enough Time

England in Sunny Weather: A Disgusting Sight.

Well, it would appear that the British Spring has arrived.  No more ice and snow.

Until next week that is, but obviously there are only a few actions you must follow when the sun comes out. 

If you’re female you must dust off the most revealing and uninspiring wardrobe collection,  find the most intrusive of these garments and parade around town in them.

You think you look like Kate Moss or Cheryl Cole.  We think you look like a deformed pastry product or Miss Piggy.

But that’s ok, its your choice.

Men, yes I haven’t forgotten you.  You must wear the same clothes as you normally would, maybe change the jeans for the 3/4 length combats and add a nice shirt or t-shirt.  Hang on, no this is nice weather so change the t-shirt for a really old, beer stained England Football shirt or if you fancy wearing a proper shirt, don’t do it up.  Hang loose.

Oh, and a must for the older gent, remember to leave your socks on with those sandals.  Looking good.

There you go England, you are ready for the sunny weather.  Don’t worry about sun cream or anything, just keep drinking the chilled beer, does the same job.

One word of caution though, for the mums-to-be out there.  You MUST make sure that when out and about cover up none of your bump.  Yeah, that’s right, wear your mini skirt and boob tube, but just let your belly hang out for all to see.  We all love the sight of new life being harvested before the wonders of childbirth.  There are those that may be offended by the sight of your stretch marks and they may wish you a hideously, painful labour, but they are in the minority.  Maybe.

I think that’s everybody covered.  Nope, I forgot the old dears among you; just keep your coats on loves.  Never had sun during the war did you?  Bless.

And I’ll finish with a tip for the larger man; wear light coloured or well ventilated tops.  Nothing is more unsightly than sweat patches.  Same goes for your trousers too.

I hope you enjoy these pleasant days before England changes its mind and decides to let the snow run the show once more.

Brits in the Sunny Weather

Digital Life: Living With Fat Fingers

I have a confession. I hate computers.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a technophobe. I like new gadgets and gizmos. I’m young enough to be able to learn new things and embrace new technology.

On the flip side though, I work with computers every day and they drive me nuts. Seriously, nuts.

It wouldn’t be so bad if the computer system was as up to date as my daughters Peppa Pig laptop. There is not one good thing I can say about the work computers. My laptop at home is a lot better. I managed to buy myself a new one last year having never owned a new machine, and I love it. Football Manager has never been so good!

Then there’s the whole compatibility of working from home and newer files, blah blah. Don’t get me started!

But a couple of months ago I bought myself an iPad.

Yeah, that’s how I roll.

As I say, I embrace new things and I love Apple products (I’m going to hell for that), and the iPad is a great thing. But it’s been a couple of months and I’m only still really playing games. But I’m learning.

I have now learnt to write to my blog using it. I have photo editors, to do lists, note taking software, lots of things to help with life.

Apparently.

Problem is, usually in the evening you sit on the laptop for a couple of hours, do a few bits of work, turn it off go to bed. But these are portable. They go everywhere. I can often be found sitting in bed with this thing glued in my hand, updating twitter, posting to Facebook, wasting time in general.

There is no real point to this post, I might add. I’m just showing off that I have an iPad and I know how to use it! Kind of.

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Maybe I am a good Father?!

Well, here we are.  It’s Sunday night.

I have managed to make it to the end of the weekend and all three of us are still in one piece.  It’s lucky I don’t have hair otherwise I would have pulled it out.

Actually, I’m quite surprised that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.  The children were actually remarkably well behaved.  There were a few tears and bouts of crying at the beginning, but I was fine after an hour.

There was also a brief sticky moment on the first night when whilst putting the eldest to bed she turns and asks ‘where’s Mummy’.  My first instinct is to reply, ‘she’s run off with the milkman and joined the circus.  She lives in a trailer now’.  But I stopped myself before it was too late, she would never have believed me.

We don’t have a milkman.

The worst of it all was the Saturday.  One whole day of responsibility, what was I going to do?!

Well, I tried my best but in the end I have to thank Disney for it’s help, I couldn’t have done it without them.

I know, I know.  Don’t start. Television is not the answer and does not make a good childcare attendant but hey, I’m inexperienced and somewhat desperate, so I don’t care what you think.  The kids loved it so I’m happy.  It’s not like I sat them in front of the telly and went out for a couple of hours, I was actually in the same room!

Anyway, all things considered I think what I’ll take away from all this is proof.  Proof that I am actually a good daddy and that I can look after my own kids.

Sounds daft to say that, but it’s true, you always have the nagging doubt in the mind that if a situation came around and I had to be a lone parent (only for a day hopefully), would I be able to cope?  I think that I can confidently say that I could do it.  I could be the responsible one.

Ooh, it’s gone all Springer.  ‘My thought for the day…………………….’

The Simpsons

 

So Far, So………

Ok, it’s the evening. I’ve made it this far!

At this precise moment I have two children in bed. One asleep, kinda, and one who refuses. Just wants to talk.

I knew it was going too swimmingly. I mean, I fed and watered them, entertained them and even managed to bath a wriggly four month old. All on my own!

No, wait, there’s no need for a medal.

I don’t mind a bit of restlessness tonight, as long as I get a bit of sleep. Otherwise tomorrow is going to be unbearable.

Oh well, tomorrow’s another day. A long day, probably.

Wish me luck.

D-Day: Child Minding

Can I cope? Yes.
Have I done this before? No.
Am I looking forward to it? Not really.

Starting half hour ago, I am the lone guardian of two children for the weekend. Yes, they’re mine, but I’ve never been left on my own with them for that long!

Three years old and four months old. This is going to be tough, I think.

Right, the story. The missus is going on a hen weekend to Brighton. I don’t mind, in fact I encouraged it. And paid for it.

I think she’ll have fun. Apart from childbirth, in all the 5+ years we’ve been married and the several other years we’ve been together, I don’t think we’ve spent time apart.

Sad, I know. And it’s also not for the want of trying, she just wouldn’t let me leave!!

As I’ve said before, we live in the middle of nowhere so can’t just ‘go out’. Especially now with the kids, it’s now a military operation just to go shopping!

I digress.

I’m the lone adult. One weekend.

Thank god for Disney and cbeebies……

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Devoted Family Man

Ok, so we all know that times are tough.

It’s time to tighten those belts, scrimp on the excess, stop wasting stuff, etc. etc.  It’s difficult though, isn’t it.

It’s not easy giving up those things you enjoy.  You work hard all week to earn money to treat yourself with a little bit of respect and splurge every now and again.  Enjoy the finer things in life that makes you happy.  You don’t do these things every day, just on occasion it’s a nice treat.

Fine.  Ok, I can do that.

Then you stop buying the unnecessary items.  You don’t buy a cd or dvd the day it comes out.  You wait a couple of months until it ends up in the sale section, then you can buy it.  Saved yourself a fiver.

Ok, you get the hint, everybody is skint.

I have just gone through my monthly expenditure in a vain hope of trimming it down.  Not a hope.  In fact I have just added a load as the daughter has started nursery.  Bugger.  Something has to go.

No, no, wait, don’t be too hasty!!  Not my Sky Sports!!  Noooooooooooo!!

A bit dramatic.  But it’s true, as of last night I have relinquished my Sky Sports.  That’s a saving of about £15 a month.  Not bad I thought.

But wait.  There’s an offer on.

……………….

I have Sky Movies!!

Yep, as a devoted father of two and dedicated husband, I have given up my sports package so that the family can sit about all day on their arses and watch films.  And to what end??

I’ve saved £5 a month.

Not a big amount, certainly not as much as if I got rid of Sky altogether (saving me £60 a month!), but it’s those little savings that add up.

No, I don’t believe me either, but hey, I tried.

Watching TV - Royle Family